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Maiden No More 6

It was a Sunday morning in late October about four months after Tess's arrival at Trantridge ，and a few weeks after the night ride in The Chase． Carrying a heavy basket and bundle， Tess was walking towards the hills which divided her from the Vale，her place of birth． The scenery and people on this side were very different from those in her village．Marlott people mainly thought and travelled northward and westward， while on this side people were interested in the east and the south． She walked up the same hill which d’Urberville had driven down so wildly that June day．On reaching the top of the hill，Tess paused and looked for a long time at the familiar green world of home．It was always beautiful from here，but since she had last seen it，her view of life had changed．She had learnt that wickedness exists，even where there is beauty，and now she could hardly bear to look down into the Vale．

Then she looked behind her and saw a carriage coming up the same hill that she had just climbed，with a man leading the horse．Soon he caught up with her．

‘Why did you slip away in secret like that？’ asked d’Urberville breathlessly．‘I've been driving like mad to catch up with you．Just look at my horse！You know nobody would have prevented you from going．I'm going to drive you the rest of the way， if you won't come back with me．

‘I won't come back，’she said quietly． ‘I thought so！Well，let me help you up．Give me your basket．’

She stepped up into the carriage and sat beside him．She had no fear of him now．The reason for this was also the reason for her sorrow． They drove along，d’Urberville making conversation and Tess thinking her own thoughts．When they approached the village of Marlott a tear rolled down her cheek．

‘Why are you crying？’he asked coldly．

‘I was only thinking I was born over there．’

‘Well， we must all be born somewhere．’

‘I wish I had never been born，there or anywhere else！’she said quietly．

‘Well，you shouldn't have come to Trantridge if you didn't want to You didn't come for love of me， anyway．’

‘That's quite true．If I had ever loved you，if I loved you still，I could not hate myself for my weakness as much as I do now．’

He did not look at her．

She added，‘I didn't understand your intention until it was too late．’

‘That's what every woman says．’

‘How dare you say that！’she cried angrily， her eyes flashing at him．‘My God！I could hit you！Did you never think that some women may not only say it but feel it？’

‘All right，’he said laughing，‘I am sorry to hurt you．I did wrong—I admit it．Only don't keep accusing me．I am ready to pay for it．You need never work on the farms again．’

Her lip lifted slightly as she replied，‘I will not take anything from you！I cannot！’

‘One would think you were a queen as well as being one of the real d’Urbervilles！ Well，Tess dear，I suppose I'm a bad sort of man． I've always been one， and I always will be one． But I promise I won't be bad to you again． And if anything should happen—you understand—if you are in any trouble or need anything，just drop me a line and I'll send by return whatever you want．’

She stepped down from the carriage and was going to leave him，when he stopped her and said，‘You're not going to turn away from me like that，dear？Gome，let me kiss you！’

‘If you wish，’she answered coldly． She offered her cool cheek to him，but her eyes rested on a distant tree as if the kiss had nothing to do with her．

‘You don't give me your lips，Tess． I'm afraid you'll never love me．’

It's true． I have never loved you，and I never can．’She added sadly，‘Perhaps I should tell a lie and then I could lead a comfortable life．But I have enough honour not to tell that lie．If I loved you，I might have a very good reason to tell you so．But I don't．’

Alec sighed heavily，as if this scene were depressing him．

‘well，you're very sad，Tess，and you have no reason to be．You're still the prettiest girl for miles around． Will you come back with me？ Say you will！’

‘Never，never！I've made up my mind， and I won't come．’

‘Then goodbye！’and Alec jumped up into his carriage and drove off．

Tess did not watch him go，but continued her walk alone． It was still early in the day and the sun was not yet giving any warmth．Tess felt even sadder than the autumn sadness which surrounded her．

But soon a man came up behind her，a man with a pot of red paint in his hand．

‘Good morning，’he said， and offered to carry her basket．

‘You're up early on a Sunday，’he continued．

‘Yes，’said Tess．

‘A day of rest for most people， although I do more real work today than in the rest of the week put together．’

‘Do you？’

‘In the week I work for man，but on Sunday I work for God．That's better work，don't you think？ Wait a moment，I have something to do here．’He stopped at a gate， and in large red letters on the middle bar of the gate he painted some words from the Bible：

PUNISHMENT AWAITS YOU

In the soft air，against the gentle green of the trees and the peaceful fields， these great red words stared at Tess． They pointed a finger at her．This man was a stranger and could not know her story， but the words accused her．

‘Do you believe what you paint？’she asked in a low voice．

‘Do I believe those words？Do I believe I am alive！’

‘But，’she whispered，trembling，‘suppose you were forced to do wrong？’

He shook his head．‘I can't answer that question．I paint the words and leave others to think about them in their own hearts．’

‘I think they are horrible words！’cried Tess．‘I'll take my basket and go on now， and she walked away from him，her heart beating fast．‘I don't believe God said those things！’she thought，as she reached her village．

There was smoke coming from her father's chimney， but seeing the inside of the cottage made her heart ache．It was as poor as ever．Her mother jumped up，surprised to see her．

‘Well，my dear Tess!’she said，kissing her．‘How are you？ Have you come home to be married？’

‘No， not for that， mother．’

‘What，isn't your cousin going to marry you？’

‘He's not my cousin， and he's not going to marry me．’

Her mother looked at her closely．‘Come，you haven't told me everything．’

Then Tess went up to her mother，put her head on Joan's shoulder，and told her the whole story．

‘And you haven't persuaded him to marry you！’cried Joan． ‘What's the good of going there？ Why didn't you think of doing some good for your family instead of thinking only of yourself？’

Tess was confused． Alec had never mentioned marriage to her．But even if he had，she would never have accepted him， because she did not love him．This made her hate herself for what she had done．She would certainly never love him in the future． She did not quite hate him， but did not wish to marry him，even to remain respectable．

‘You ought to have been more careful if you didn't want to marry him！’

‘Oh mother！’cried the poor girl，her heart breaking．‘Why didn't you warn me about men？I was a child when I left home！I didn't know how dangerous they can be，and you didn't tell me！’

‘Well，we must make the best of it，’said her mother．‘It's only human nature， after all．’

That afternoon the little cottage was full of Tess's friends， girls who lived in the village and who had missed her while she had been away．They whispered to each other that Tess was sure to marry that handsome gentleman．Fortunately Tess did not hear them．She joined in their laughing and talking，and for a short time almost forgot her shame．

But the next day was Monday，the beginning of the working week， when there were no best clothes and no visitors．She awoke with the innocent children asleep around her，she who had lost her innocence． She looked into her future，and grew very depressed． She knew she had to travel on a long，stony road， without help or sympathy． She had nothing to look forward to，and she wanted to die．

In the next few weeks， however， she became more cheerful， and went to church one Sunday morning． She loved listening to the well－known tunes， and gave herself up to the beauty of the music．She wondered at the composer's power． From the grave he could make a girl like her， who had never known him，feel extremes of emotion． She sat in a quiet，dark corner listening to the service．But when the village people arrived at church they noticed her and started whispering to each other．She knew what they were saying and realized she could come to church no more．

So she spent almost all her time in her bedroom，which she shared with the children． From here she watched the wind， the snow，the rain，beautiful sunsets and full moons，one after another．People began to think she had gone away． She only went out after dark， to walk in the woods and the fields． She was not afraid of the dark or the shadows； it was people she was anxious to avoid． She was at home on the lonely hills， but she felt guilty surrounded by innocent nature． When it rained， she thought nature was crying at her weakness，and when the midnight wind blew she thought nature was angry with her．But she did not realize that although she had broken an accepted social rule， she had done nothing against nature． She was as innocent as the sleeping birds in the trees，or the small field animals in the hedges．