苔丝
Tess


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    15
    
    When Clare woke up the next morning,the sky was grey and the sun was not shining.The fireplace in the room was full of cold ashes.The two full glasses of wine still stood untouched on the table.
    When the cleaning woman came,he sent her away,not wanting a third person in the house He found wood to make a fire,and prepared breakfast.People passing the farmhouse saw the smoke rising from the chimney,and envied the newly- married couple in their happiness.
    ‘Breakfast is ready!’he called upstairs in a normal voice.
    Tess came down immediately.She was already dressed,but her hands and face were cold.She had no fire in her bedroom, where she had been sitting waiting for his call,and staring at the dying mistletoe.Clare's polite words gave her a moment of hope,which died,however,when she saw his face.
    They were both,in fact,the ashes of their former fires. After last night's passionate sorrow,they both felt heavy and lacking in energy.
    Tess went up to Angel,touching him lightly with her fingers.Was this really the man who once loved her? Her eyes were bright,her cheeks still round,but her lips were pale. She looked absolutely pure.Angel looked at her in wonder. ‘Tess!Say it isn't true!It can't be true!’ ‘It is true.’
    ‘Every word?’
    ‘Every word.’
    He world almost have preferred her to lie,so that he could believe her blindly,but she repeated,‘It is true.’
    ‘Is he living?’asked Angel.
    ‘The baby died.’
    ‘But the man?’
    ‘He is alive.’
    ‘Is he in England?’
    ‘Yes.’
    Despair passed over Clare's face.He moved vaguely around the room.
    ‘Look,’he said,‘I thought—any man would have thought-that if I didn't look for knowledge,good family, and wealth in a wife,if I sacrificed all that,I would be sure of finding a country girl who was at least pure… but… but I should not accuse you.’
    Tess understood his feelings perfectly.She saw that he had lost in every way.
    ‘Angel—I would not have married you if I had not known that,after all,there is a way out for you… only I hoped you would never… ’She was close to tears.
    ‘A way out?’
    ‘You can divorce me.’
    ‘Good heavens!How can you be so stupid?How can I divorce you?’
    ‘Can't you,now I have told you everything?’
    ‘Oh Tess,you are so childish!You don't understand the law.No,I can't.’
    There was shame and misery in Tess's face.
    ‘I thought you could,’she whispered.‘Don't think I planned this!I really believed you could take that way out.Oh,then I ought to have done it last night.But I didn't have the courage.That's just like me!’
    ‘The courage to do what?’he asked.
    ‘To put an end to myself.’
    ‘Where?’
    ‘In the bedroom,under your mistletoe.With the rope from my box.But I couldn't in the end!I was afraid that people would talk and you would suffer from that.’
    Clare was shaken by this unexpected confession.
    ‘Now,listen.You must never think of such a wicked thing again.Promise me as your husband never to do anything like that.’
    ‘I promise.I see it was wicked.But,Angel,it was to set you free,and to avoid a divorce,which everyone would talk about.But dying by my own hand is too good for me.You,my husband,should kill me.I think I would love you more,if that were possible,if you could bring yourself to do it.I am so much in your way!’
    ‘Quiet!Don't talk about it.’
    ‘Well,just as you wish.I will do whatever you like.’They sat down to breakfast,tired and sad.They did not look at each other and they did not eat much.Angel left soon afterwards to start his studies at the flour-mill nearby.Tess cleared the ashes from the fireplace,cleaned the house and prepared the lunch,waiting for his return.At lunch they talked politely of work at the flour-mill and methods of milling.In the afternoon he went back to the mill,and in the evening he studied his books and papers.Tess felt she was in his way and went to the kitchen.He came to find her there.
    ‘Don't work in the kitchen like this,’he said.‘You're not my servant,you're my wife.’
    She looked happier.‘You mean,I can think of myself as that?’She asked,trembling.
    ‘What do you mean,Tess?You are my wife,of course.’
    ‘I don't know,she said,with tears in her eyes.‘I told you long ago I wasn't good enough for you.And I'm not good enough!I was right!But you persuaded me!’
    She turned her back on him,sobbing as if her heart would break.It would have won round any man but Angel Clare.Deep in him lay a hard logic,which had resisted the Church,and now resisted Tess.She accepted his treatment of her as being what she deserved.She would never have thought of criticizing his hardness.To her he was still perfection.
    Another day passed by in the same way.Only once did Tess try to get closer to her husband.As he was leaving for the flour-mill,she put up her mouth to be kissed.He ignored the invitation,and said goodbye coldly.She felt as if he had hit her.How often had he wanted to kiss her in those happy days at Talbothays!
    But on his way to the mill Angel regretted his coldness.He wished he had been kinder to her and kissed her once at least.
    So they lived through another day-together in the same house,but more separately than ever before.Clare was desperately wondering what to do.Tess no longer even hoped for forgiveness.That evening she said bravely:
    ‘I suppose you aren't going to live with me long,are you,Angel?’She found it difficult to control the muscles of her face.
    ‘No.How can we live together as man and wife while that man lives?He is your natural husband,I'm not.If he were dead,that might be different.Anyway,have you thought of the future?have you thought we might have children?They would find out about this.Everybody would talk about it.Can you imagine them growing up under a cloud like that?They would hate you for it.’
    Tess's head was bent.Her eyes felt so heavy they were almost closed.‘No,I can't ask you to stay with me,’she whispered.‘I hadn't thought of it like that.’
    She had hoped,as women do,that living together for a time would break down his coldness.Being near him every day was her only hope of winning him back.But she had never imagined she might have children who would reject her.She now remembered how she had criticized her mother for bringing babies into the world without being able to look after them.She realized that she might have made the same mistake as Joan Durbeyfield.She completely accepted Angel's argument.
    She could have argued that if they went as planned to farm in another country,nobody would know about her past.But perhaps she was right not to argue.A woman knows not only her own sorrow but also her husband's.He might keep the bitterness alive in his heart,even if nobody knew or talked about it at all.She had lost.
    On the third day she said,‘I accept what you say.We must separate.’
    ‘But what can you do?’
    ‘I can go home.’
    Clare had not thought of that.‘Can you really?’
    ‘Yes.If I am with you all the time,I may persuade you to stay,against your better judgement.Then you and I would both be sorry.I must go.’
    ‘Right,’said Angel.His face was pale but his voice was determined.
    Tess was slightly shocked.He had agreed so quickly to her generous offer!
    ‘I didn't like to suggest it,’he said,‘but as you have,I think it's a good idea to part—at least for a while.God knows,we may come togetner again one day!’
    So they both prepared to leave the following day.That night Tess was woken by a noise in the house.At first she thought Angel was coming to her bedroom,and her heart beat wildly with joy.But then she saw his eyes staring emptily ahead of him,and knew he was walking in his sleep.He came to the middle of her room and said very sadly,‘Dead!Dead!Dead!Poor darling Tess!So sweet,so good,so pure!My wife,dead!’
    These words,which he would never say when awake,were very sweet to Tess.She would not have moved to save her life.She lay in absolute stillness,trying not to breathe,wondering what he was going to do with her.Her trust in him was complete.
    He picked her up and carried her to the stairs.Was he going to throw her down?She knew he was leaving her the next day,perhaps for ever.She almost hoped they would fall and die together.
    He continued downstairs,taking her out of the house towards the river.She had given herself totally up to him, and did not care what happened to her as long as she was with him.They arrived at a place where the river was fast and deep,and Angel started to cross it on the narrow footbridge,still holding Tess.Perhaps he wanted to drown her.Even that would be better than separation.
    As they crossed,the water rushed fiercely below them.If Tess had moved in his arms,they would both have fallen into the dangerous water.But she had no right to take his life,although her own was worthless,so she stayed still.
    Angel walked purposefully towards a ruined church near the river.Against the old wall was an empty stone tomb.In this he carefully laid Tess,and kissing her lips,sighed deeply and happily.He immediately lay down on the ground next to the tomb,and looked fast asleep.
    Tess stepped out of the tomb and managed to persuade Angel to walk back to the house,without waking him.It was very cold outside,and both had only night clothes on.She helped him to his sofa bed in the living room,and he still did not wake up.
    Next morning he seemed to remember nothing of the night's experiences,and Tess did not refer to his sleepwalking.They finished packing and left the farmhouse,where they had hoped to be so happy.After driving some distance Angel stopped the carriage to get down and continue on foot.Tess was going further on in the carriage.He spoke seriously to her as they separated.
    ‘Now remember,’he said,‘ I am not angry with you,but I cannot bear to live with you at the moment.I will try to accept it.But until I come to you,you should not try to come to me.’
    The punishment seemed a heavy one to Tess.Had she really deserved this?
    ‘May I write to you?’
    ‘Oh yes,if you are ill or need anything.You probably won't,so I might be the first to write.’
    ‘I agree to the conditions,Angel,because you know best.Only don't make it too much for me to bear!’
    That was all she said.If she had sobbed or fainted or begged him,he would probably have given way.But she made it easy for him.He gave her some money and they said goodbye.He stood on the road watching the carnage continue up the hill,secretly hoping that Tess would look back.But she was lying half dead with misery inside.He turned to walk on alone, not realizing thai he still loved her.
    

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