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The Woman Pays 14

Her story came to an end．She had not raised her voice： she had not cried．But things seemed to change as the story progressed．The fire looked as if it was laughing at her troubles．All the objects around her appeared not to care about her tragic history．And yet it was only a short time since he had been kissing her．Everything looked different now．

Clare stirred the fire．It was unnecessary，but he felt he had to do something．He had not really taken in the whole story yet．He stood up．Now as he began to understand the story in its full horror，his face was like an old man's．He made uncertain movements，because everything in his head was vague and uncertain．He could not make himself think clearly．

‘Tess！Can I believe this？Are you mad perhaps？My wife， my Tess—you aren't mad，are you？’

‘I am not，’she said．

‘And yet，’he said，looking strangely at her，‘why didn't you tell me before？Oh yes，you would have told me，in a way，but I stopped you，I remember！’

He was talking but could not think at the same time． His brain seemed to have stopped working．He turned away from her．Tess followed him and stood there staring at him with dry eyes．Then she went down on her knees beside him．

‘In the name of our love，forgive me！she whispered with a 168 dry mouth．‘I have forgiven you for the same！’

And as he did not answer，she said again，

‘Forgive me as you are forgiven！I forgive you，Angel！’

‘You—yes，you do．’

‘But you do not forgive me？’

‘Oh，Tess，it's not a question of forgiveness！You were one person，now you are another．How can forgiveness put that right？’

He paused，considering this．Then suddenly he started laughing in an unnatural，horrible way．It was like a laugh out of hell．

‘Don't—don't！’she cried，her face dead white．‘It kills me，that laugh！Angel，do you know what you're doing to me？I've been hoping，longing，praying to make you happy！’

‘I know that．’

‘I thought，Angel，that you loved me—me，my very self！’ If you do love me，how can you treat me like this？It frightens me！Having begun to love you，I will love you for ever，in all changes，in all troubles，because you are yourself．I ask no more．Then how can you，my husband，stop loving me？’

‘I repeat，the woman I have been loving is not you．’

‘But who is she？’

‘Another woman in your shape．’

Suddenly she realized how he saw her．For him she was a guilty woman pretending to be an innocent one．There was terror in her white face as she saw this．She could not stand， and he stepped forward，thinking she might fall．

‘Sit down，’he said gently．‘You are ill，and I am not surprised．’

She sat down，her face still full of fear and her eyes wild．

‘I don't belong to you any more then，do I，Angel？’she asked helplessly．And at last the tears came．Clare watched her sobbing，and waited until the first violence of her emotion had passed．

‘Angel，’she said suddenly in a normal voice，‘am I too wicked for us to live together？’

‘I haven't had time to think what we should do．’

‘I won't ask you to let me live with you，Angel，because I have no right to！I won't write to tell my family we are married，as I said I would．’

‘Won't you？’

‘No，I won't do anything unless you order me to．And if you go away，I won't follow you．And if you never speak to me again，I won't ask why，unless you tell me I can．’

‘And if I order you to do anything？’

‘I'll obey you，even if I have to lie down and die．’

‘How good of you．But it seems you have changed．In the past you were keen to look after yourself．Now you are keen to sacrifice yourself．’

Clare's bitter words，however，were not fully understood by Tess．She only knew that he was angry with her．She stood silent，not knowing that he was struggling with his love for her She did not observe a large tear rolling slowly down his cheek He was realizing what a change Tess's confession had made to his whole life．He had to decide on some action．

‘Tess，’he said，as gently as he could，‘I can't stay here just now．I'm going out．’

He quietly left the room．Two glasses of wine，ready for their supper，remained untouched on the table．Only two or three hours earlier they had drunk tea from the same cup．

As he closed the door behind him，Tess jumped up．He had gone：she could not stay．She put out the candles and followed him The rain was over and the night was now clear．

Clare walked slowly and without purpose．His shape was black and frightening She walked just behind him．There was water on the road，where the stars could be seen reflected． Away from the house the road went through the fields．She followed Clare as a dog follows its owner．

Eventually Tess could not help speaking to him．

‘What have I done？Nothing interferes with my love for you．You don't think I planned it，Angel，do you？I would not deceive you like that！’ ‘H'm， well．No，maybe you would not，but you are not the same．No，not the same But don't make me blame you．’

She went on begging for forgiveness．Perhaps she said things that would have been better left to silence．

‘Angel！Angel！I was a child when it happened．I knew nothing of men．’

‘I admit it was not so much your fault as his．’

‘Then won't you forgive me？’

‘I do forgive you，but forgiveness isn't everything．’

‘And do you love me？’

He did not answer this question．

‘Oh Angel－my mother says she knows several cases which were worse than mine，and the husband has not minded much …well，he has accepted it at least．And in those cases the woman hasn't loved him as I love you！’

‘Don't，Tess，don't argue．Those are just country people's ways．There is a correct way of doing things．I think that parson who discovered you were a d’Urberville should have kept quiet．Perhaps you were weak and could not refuse this man because your ancient noble blood has run thin，because your family is no good any more．I thought you were a child of nature，but you have the worst of your ancient family in you！’

Tess accepted his bitterness，not understanding the details． He did not love her as he had done，and nothing else mattered．

They went on again in silence．They walked slowly for hours，with sad anxious faces，not talking，one behind the other，like a funeral procession． Tess said to her husband：

‘I don't want to cause you sadness all your life．The river is down there．I can put an end to myself in it．I'm not afraid．’

‘Don't talk like that．Do what I ask，go back to the house and go to bed．’

‘I will，’she said obediently．

When she returned to the house，she found everything as they had left it and the fire still burning She went to the bedroom．There was a mistletoe branch hanging above the bed． Now she understood why Angel had brought a strange parcel with him．It was to surprise her．He had delightedly hung it there．Now it looked foolish and out of place．

As she had nothing more to fear，and nothing more to hope for，she lay down．In a few moments lonely Tess was asleep， in the bedroom once used by the young wives of her ancestor．

Later on that night Clare also came back to the house．He prepared a bed downstairs，but crept shoeless upstairs to see if Tess was asleep．He was relieved to see her sleeping deeply． And yet he felt he alone had the whole worry of what action to take，and the responsibility for her life as well as his．He turned away from her door，and then turned back again， pulled by his love for her．But his eye was caught by a painting on the wall of one of Tess's ancestors，a proud fierce woman， who looked as if she hated and wanted to deceive all men．He thought she and Tess looked alike．That was enough to stop him，and he went downstairs to his lonely bed．

He looked calm and cold，full of self-control．His face showed he had fought against passion and won，but did not like being the winner．He still found it difficult to accept that Tess，the pure village maiden，was not what she seemed． How unexpected life could be！He put out the candle．The night came in，unconcerned and uninterested，the night which had swallowed up his happiness．